


close your eyes

by Anonymous



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Lots of Crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26480101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Just a little something about Alec confronting Tess about the cheating.
Relationships: Alec Hardy/Tess Henchard
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16
Collections: Anonymous





	close your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Song-fic based on [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-Nu-IxxStI) German song. There's an [English version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsHwJtTRMvg) of it as well but it isn't nearly as good as the original.

Alec wasn't crying. He had been crying for hours and hours on end but not now. He was done, he had told himself. Done with being sad and helpless; it was time to get angry. That's what he was supposed to do, he knew that, but it wasn't coming to him quite naturally. Maybe he needed to see her for that. Look at her face to feel the hatred, not sit in the darkness of the apartment, trying desperately not to wake Daisy by him being a pathetic stupid worthless fucking mess that deserved all of this. That was the bottom line, wasn't it? It was his fault. All of it. The case, the cheating, the fact that his life was falling apart.  
He felt his heart pound as if to remind him it was what was making him feel all of this. Making him feel like he wanted to die and not feel all of this anymore.  
"Alec?"  
The lights flicked on and he saw Tess in the door to the kitchen where he was sitting on the floor, hugging himself. He didn't move. He just stared at her. His beautiful, wonderful wife. The love of his life, mother of his precious daughter.  
"Jesus, you look terrible.", Tess said, her hand gripping the door frame. "Is Daisy asleep?"  
He nodded to the best of his abilities. He was waiting for the hatred to take over. Maybe he would smash some plates and glasses. There was one with Tess' favourite flower on it that he'd once given her. A little present for no particular occasion. That seemed smash-worthy.  
"Has she seen you like this?"  
He shook his head.  
"Thank god. Come on", she walked over to him and grabbed his arms. "let's talk in the car."  
He let her guide him out of the house, along the front yard to the car. His bare feet screamed when the spiky gravel pierced into them but he pushed through it.  
Tess sat behind the wheel, he on the passenger side. They drove off.  
"Did you drink?"  
He shook his head.  
"Good. It's better if we talk this though sober."  
"Why?", Alec said, exhausted. Was that the step before rage? He had assumed exhaustion would follow it, not precede it.  
"Oh, don't be like that, Alec."  
"Like what? Concerned as to why you felt the need to sleep with another man while being married to someone who happens to be me?"  
"It just happened. It wasn't like I had been on the lookout for that."  
"But why did it happen?", Alec kept staring straight ahead into the darkness. It was easier to talk without looking at her.  
"Because, Alec, when was the last time you and I had a good time together?"  
He didn't respond, just grit his teeth as tears threatened to fill up his eyes again. So maybe he hadn't changed the order after all. Sadness, rage and then exhaustion. It had been a false alarm, the anger was still to come.  
"And I don't mean having sex. I mean having good sex. Having sex so good it makes you forget everything for a while."  
"You could've told me.", Alec said quietly, trying to keep from choking up.  
"How? You take everything personally."  
"How am I supposed to take 'having sex with you is bad' not personally?"  
Now, that was a start. A little bit of boiling inside of him. His hands were tensing up, his arms eager to break something. Too bad the kitchen was out of reach now.  
"That's not what I said."  
"Then tell it to me in different words, okay, love? Tell me why you needed to cheat on me."  
Tess was quiet now, steering until the road was uneven and the surroundings mere black shadows. Then she parked, turned off the motor, and left them sitting in the dim light of the car on standby.  
"I didn't mean to."  
"Oh, fuck that.", Alec scoffed. He was getting rather riled up by now. "You knew exactly what you were doing. Hotel. During work hours. You knew."  
"So what? Would you have preferred if I'd sent you a save-the-date postcard?"  
"Honestly, I wish I didn't know. I wish this wasn't all involved in the case now. Because if this gets to court, I'll have to explain this shit show. I'll have to lie under oath to cover for you because you needed to have 'good sex' so urgently."  
"I didn't ask you to do that!", Tess snapped back, finally turning toward him. Her eyes were glaring.  
"You didn't need to. Because that's what you do for people you love. You don't screw them over, you protect them. I would always cover for you because I love you to death and you know that."  
"Really? Are you sure you're not just trying to keep it a secret that you were cheated on?"  
Hearing her say it so frankly hurt. But he kept it together. "From Daisy, yes. I don't give a shit about the rest."  
Tess eyed up his face, something like wonder in her eyes. "This isn't your fault. You know that, right?"  
"You're not making it sound like it's your fault either."  
"Well – it is. Technically. I won't lie to you, I never would. And I get that you're angry with me. But you knew we had issues. We both knew that. Know that."  
He snorted, folded his arms over his chest. "Must've missed the memo."  
"You're never home and if you are, you only talk about work. You barely have time for Daisy and even less for me."  
"I spend more time with you than anyone else."  
"At work. Not as my husband."  
"You could've told me."  
"When? While interviewing a witness?"  
"Clearly, you had the time to fuck a colleague while I was –"  
"Go on, while you were what?"  
He grit his teeth.  
"Working.", Tess said. "You were working. At night. Again."  
"Two children are dead, Tess. Excuse me, if it occupies my mind so much."  
"You're a good policeman, but you don't have time for me anymore. And when you make time, you're so exhausted, you can barely hold a conversation, let alone set aside time for intimacy."  
He shook his head. "I didn't do that to spite you. I love you."  
"Do you? Or are you just so used to saying that that you assume it must still be true? Because I don't think you love me anymore. I don't think you've loved me for years."  
He felt a sudden cold come over him. He knew what this meant. This wasn't about him falling out of love with her, it was the opposite.  
"No.", he said quietly. "No, I love you. You know that."  
Tess fell silent. Leaned back in her seat. Alec watched her, waiting for her to tell him he was mistaken in his assumption.  
"That makes it worse.", she finally said. "Because if this is you being in love with me, then you've changed more than I thought. This is not who I fell in love with all those years ago, Alec.", she looked at him intensely. As if to make sure he got the message. "I'm sorry, darling."  
Alec nodded numbly. She didn't love him anymore. Who knows how long she had not loved him. Maybe he had missed some hints. Maybe she had tried to tell him but he had been too thick-skulled to understand.  
"I'm sorry that this is how we finally had this talk. But I can't say that I didn't cheat on you. I'm sorry I hurt you and caused you trouble. But I can't undo it and I can't pretend I didn't need it."  
She looked at him meaningfully; he stared back, aghast.  
"So this is it? Is that what you're trying to say?"  
"You tell me."  
"You don't love me.", it frightened him how prosaic he sounded.  
"I'll always love you. Just not – not enough."  
He nodded, looked at his hands in his lap. No more rage. The tears were coming back. Funny, he had been convinced that he was completely dehydrated by now.  
"For god's sake, Alec...", she muttered, unbuckled her seat belt and stepped out of the car. In a moment, she was on his side, opening the passenger door, and leaning over Alec to unbuckle his seat belt, too. She grabbed his hand, pulled him out of the car. He let her. Unsure, he looked around, wondering where exactly they were. He hadn't paid enough attention. Tess held his hand, looked at him in the dark. It was hard to see her expression without the car lights.  
"Since when are you a crier?", Tess said, probably meaning it as a joke but it didn't land. And in any case, she knew how fragile his water works had always been. Just not in company.  
Alec wanted to ask her whether she was certain about this. Whether she really wanted to go through with it, but he didn't need to. He could see it in her eyes. The die has cast. He couldn't believe it. No, that wasn't true. He could believe it, he just didn't want to. He wanted to pretend that everything was fine. That his wife wasn't leaving him after cheating.  
"Close your eyes and kiss me.", he said, barely audible.  
"What?", Tess tried to draw her hand back but he held it tightly.  
"Kiss me. Tell me you love me."  
"Darling –"  
"No, listen. I know it's not true. Just pretend. Just lie. I'll lie and say I don't care that you cheated on me. You've already lied to me, what's one more lie? Just let me pretend I haven't lost you yet."  
He stepped closer to her and saw what she was smiling. Her hand lay down on his cheek, gently brushing over it.  
"You can be so sweet if you want to. But always in the wrong moments."  
"I'm not trying to change your mind, love. I don't care whether you still feel for me. Just – just kiss me. One last time."  
He was talking fast. Too fast.  
"Don't make it harder for us, Alec.", now her smile looked sad.  
"I'm not. I won't scream and fight and argue. I just want to pretend for a little while. Just postpone the inevitable. Please. Please don't leave me alone yet. I don't want to cry again. Please."  
"You're ridiculous."  
"I might be. But that doesn't matter. I'll be whatever you want me to be, just for a moment. You can pretend you're kissing that affair of yours. Apparently he's better at it than me anyway."  
She shook her head. He swallowed hard, not ready to admit defeat but also running out of arguments.  
Then her hand moved to the back of his neck. She pulled him down, kissed him. For the first time in his life, he wished he could stop the clocks. Just feel her lips on his forever. Their sweetness. Their softness. Their familiarity.  
"I love you.", Alec whispered.  
She pulled harder on his neck.  
"Tell me you love me.", he added.  
"I love you, darling."  
A tear rolled down to his mouth. Tess recoiled at the salty taste. But she kept kissing him, let her tongue play with his as if nothing had changed. Alec wondered whether she had kissed that guy. That DS. He couldn't even remember his name. But that didn't matter. What mattered was what they had done. Had she used her mouth on him? Probably, right?  
He put his arm around her, pulling her closer. He wanted to feel her against him.  
Her hand moved into his hair, gently brushing through it. She knew that he liked it when she did that. She knew everything about him.  
The tears kept coming, he was shaking now. Tess must've noticed but didn't show she had. She probably didn't care.  
And then she pulled away.  
Breathless, Alec looked at her, waiting.  
"Since when are you so passionate?", she whispered, a smile on her face.  
"I'm not."  
"But you make a very pretty crier.", she gave him another quick kiss, then took his arm and pulled him towards the car. She opened the door to the backseat and pushed him, so he would get in. When she too was seated, she slammed the door and immediately grabbed Alec by the collar, kissing him some more.  
"If this is what you'll be like from now on", Tess said "I'm all in."  
"Crying and desperate, you mean?"  
"You can leave out that part. I meant physical. Lewd."  
Her fingers were unbuttoning his shirt, her breath hot in his mouth.  
"There is no 'from now on', Tess.", he quickly wiped his face on his sleeve again, breaking up the kiss by doing so.  
"Seriously, love, if you can change so much so quickly, I don't need anyone else. If you're willing to change, I can believe you still love me."  
Her hand was cold on the naked skin of his chest.  
"No. You fucked a colleague. I'm not the one who has to change. I just want one last hurrah before you leave me to fuck whoever else you've been dying to get with since I'm not good enough for you."  
She scoffed. "Are you that pathetic? One last shag because you know you'll be single for a while now?"  
"We don't have to have sex. I don't care. I just want you to kiss me. I know you're just playing with me. That's okay. Do whatever you want. You can leave afterwards, I won't stop you."  
Tess eyed up his face, frowning. Her hand was slowly moving up and down his chest. "Maybe you do love me.", she muttered, then reached over to pull the shirt off his arms. He let her.  
"That doesn't change anything.", Alec said.  
"What doesn't?"  
"The fact that I love you doesn't absolve what you did."  
"Just shut up about it, would you?"  
She pulled him in for a kiss, one of her hands cold against his shoulder, the other one between them, working on getting her own clothes off.  
"And stop crying. I don't want your tears in my mouth again."  
He managed a nod, then draped his arms over her shoulders, just loosely. He didn’t have any intention of taking the initiative. That had never been his part and he wasn’t about to change that now.  
That was the whole point after all. Not changing. One last time with his wife who had cheated on him because she didn’t love him. Why did he still love her? Why was he so stupid? This could be so easy if he was just angry at her. Telling her off and insulting her for what she had done to him but no. Instead, he was the one crying and begging her to kiss him. Because he really meant it. He didn’t need to have sex with her again. He just wanted her lips against his and pretend none of this had ever happened.


End file.
